One effective choice for improving our mental health is to slowly let go of our grudges. Freeing ourselves from deeply held, deeply negative feelings paves the way for better relationships and better wellbeing.
Of course, it’s not that easy to let go of a grudge.
Grudges stick around for a number of reasons. Mostly because they can be a substitute for or distraction from more painful emotions.
We hold grudges because…
Unfortunately, these reasons for holding a grudge tend to backfire. In the short-term, grudges may serve to motivate us, validate us, or protect us. But in the long term, their internalized focus begins to do some real psychological damage.
The benefits of grudges are questionable. What about the costs?
Grudges can increase frustration and anxiety, feelings of physical pain, risk for heart attacks, and sleep issues.
Grudges don’t change the external world, and they worsen our internal world.
In other words, how to forgive. Not easy, but definitely possible.
Grudges are usually the result of unmet expectations between you and another person. Accordingly, having an open and honest conversation with them about the situation can help bury the hatchet.
To have an effective conversation, you’ll want to set clear expectations, express your honest feelings, and listen to their perspective.
Setting clear expectations can alleviate current grudges and prevent future ones. Interpersonal issues are often the result of misunderstandings; we might assume that the other person knows exactly what we want, or we might assume that we know what they want. The first step to letting go is an honest portrayal of needs – on both sides.
Expressing your personal feelings helps to establish the importance of the situation for you. The other person may not even realize that what they did was hurtful, or they may not understand the gravity of their actions as is relevant to your own personal experience. The next step is a candid discussion of your own feelings and experiences.
To gain a holistic understanding of the situation, you’ll want to listen to the other person’s perspective. Perhaps they meant something different by what they did, or they misunderstood some of your actions or feelings. Understanding their point of view can help you address your grudge. The last step is to ask them about their expectations and feelings.
Putting it all together:
“When I am friends/partners/colleagues with someone, I hope that they will _____. I feel sad/hurt/upset when _____. I feel a lot better when _____. How do you feel about the situation? What can we do going forward to better our relationship?”
Of course, it’s not always possible or desirable to work things out with the other person. In these cases, you’ll want to work through your grudge internally. To do so, we need to flip the grudge on its head and see what else we can make of it.
Key goals:
Questions to ask yourself:
Reminders:
Questions to ask yourself:
Reminders:
Questions to ask yourself:
Reminders:
Grudges may feel like they empower us, validate us, and protect us, but really, they just hurt. Forgiveness, on the other hand, empowers us to take a broader perspective.
Forgiveness validates our sense of being a kind, resilient person. Forgiveness protects us from holding in emotions that ultimately only hurt ourselves. It improves mental health, physical health, sleep, and relationships. Simply put, it makes us feel better.
Similar to many efforts toward improving the self, forgiveness takes practice. So do empathy, acceptance, and gratitude.
It’s not easy to find the good in the bad. But the more you do it, the better you’ll get at it. To work through your grudges alongside others going through the same thing, try a supportive chat for on-demand, anonymous, and personalized peer support.
You’ve got this.